...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
