ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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