Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
