God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
