You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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