Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
