she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
