He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I can't trust your balls anymore.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
