i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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