And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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