I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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