That's when you crack a 10am beer
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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