Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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