I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
