remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
