you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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