Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
