we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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