I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
