your thong is hanging out like whoa
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
