How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
