I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
