And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
