I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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