im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
