my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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