Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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