mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
