FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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