I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
