you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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