nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
