in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
