I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
