i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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