I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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