shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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