I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
