I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Semen is not good for contacts.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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