Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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