Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Randomize
