i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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