I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
