If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
