I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
