You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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