You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
