I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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