My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
