Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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