I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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