we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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