so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He uses pillows to masturbate.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
