Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
